myles golden
March 4, 2014
It’s Not You, It’s Me

It’s Not You, It’s Me

When things go wrong in our lives, it’s really easy to look outward and point the finger at this person and that thing as the root of our problems.  A few years ago I was having major relationship drama.  One day, I arrived at my client’s house and before yoga she asked me how things were going.  I immediately began to spew my frustration and pain about what was happening.    My client said, “you do realize that he is not the problem.  You’re the problem.  Look deep inside and find out what it is about YOU that keeps you stuck repeating this pattern.”  I was appalled.  “What?  no way!  It’s him.  He’s a jerk.  I’m the victim here.”   I realized that I was really angry and that I was blaming external things for the way I was feeling.  Yet instead of stepping back and dealing with it, I continued as an “innocent passenger” on the drama roller coaster.

The thought that I was the creator of everything around me, blew me away.   My friends, my interactions, everything is all being driven by me?  Woah.  Turns out that we are not victims of circumstance.  Life can be a mirror showing us truths that may be buried deep inside in order to avoid pain.  Everyone that irritates us is merely showing us a wound from the past with which we need to deal. It might sting, it might feel like a kind of death, but ignoring it is no longer working.  Reminds me of a quote, “In order to heal it, you must touch it.”

Not too long after that conversation with my client,  I went into serious reflection time.  I started meditating regularly and I began to see how I had been a part of the problem.  I was playing a role that felt comfortable, no matter how dysfunctional it was and I wasn’t honoring myself or anyone else by continuing on that path.  According to,  “The law of correspondence tells us that our outer world is nothing more than a reflection of our inner world – as within, so without. This is an extraordinary principle and really says that our current reality is a reflection of what is going on inside us. If our outer reality is unhappy, chaotic or unfulfilling it is a direct result of what is happening internally. If we have low self-esteem, feel badly about ourselves or constantly feel anger, hatred or loathing, then our outer world will be a place of turmoil.”

So if I was truly independently happy and at peace then my external world would reflect that?  Sign me up!

Here’s where it gets deep.  Each person is wired very differently.  We are all perceiving each other based on memories and beliefs that we carry with us – we’ll call this our internal architecture as my meditation teacher calls it.  It just so happens that this architecture is ego driven and easily wounded.  It likes to attract people and familiar situations that strengthen its beliefs and it’s notorious for repeating emotional pain patterns.  If someone comes along minding his own business but something he does bothers us in any way, it’s worth a look inside to see why we feel this way.  Once we heal the part of us that is storing the pain, that person who got a rise out of us will still do what he does, but our reaction will be very different.  Meditation changes our internal structure so that instead of operating from the ego, the dominating force shifts to the universal consciousness, which is full of forgiveness, love and all that other happy stuff.  As a result we can change our perspective and have the option to choose differently.

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