As we move through life, we might start to see patterns rise in personal relationships. For a long time I thought that life just sort of happened to me, and that I simply had bad luck when it came to relationships. I create my reality wasn’t a mantra I had adopted yet. I wondered why there was so much turmoil and pain, and why I kept attracting the same type of person in a different body. It wasn’t until I had a very brutally honest conversation with a client that things finally started to change.
Up until that point, this was my personal narrative:
- Life is happening to me
- I have no control over who I attract
- I keep going into relationships with the same type of person
- I experience a lot of suffering in relationships
- I am unlucky in love
- Problems just seem to find me
The Turning Point
One day after a private yoga session I was complaining to my client/friend about my boyfriend and how he resembled the previous one, and the one before that. I said things like, “I don’t know why I can’t seem to escape toxic men who try to control me,” and “every guy I’ve been in a long term relationship with has either a drinking problem, narcissistic traits, anger issues, or a combination of all three.” Looking back at it now I sounded like a victim with zero control over my life. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “you realize they’re not the problem, right? It’s YOU.” Me?!? Did you not hear what I just said? They’re the problem!
Life Doesn’t Just Happen to Me; I Create My Reality
She told me that I was the one choosing to engage with these types of men and that if I wanted to break the cycle I would need to start meditating immediately and taking responsibility for my life. It took me a while to swallow that truth pill, but she was one hundred percent right. I decided to follow her advice; To meditate and take a good, hard look at my past so I could figure out why I was so comfortable in the suffering. I create my reality.
Meditation is the Best Medicine
The first thing I did was find a meditation teacher. Luckily, that was easy. My teacher Michael DeFrancisco was known for being the best in town. He has over forty years of experience teaching a form of Transcendental Meditation. I’m not sure what I would have done had he not been an option. In my opinion, in-person meditation learning is far superior to watching videos or listening to audios. The one thing he said that I still reference to this day is that in order to make big changes in your life you have to rip out all the weeds, treat the soil, and replant from scratch. If you don’t reprogram your “inner control center” you’ll stay stuck in the cycle. So, for six months I vowed not to date and only focus on meditating consistently twice a day.
Connecting the Dots
During this time I also journaled a lot and made the connection between my current relationships and growing up with an alcoholic father. For me, that meant that chaos was the norm and there was a lot of leftover anger that had never been processed. I attracted men who treated me badly, yet somehow I thought I could change them and help them. All of these things happened on a subconscious level and I had never thought about how my childhood affected the decisions I made as an adult. Life didn’t just happen to me, I was subconsciously creating it.
I Create My Reality
Letting go of the anger and bringing awareness to what I was choosing for myself made all the difference in the world. It was empowering to realize that I define my reality and that I’m not a victim of my past. A few months after my dating sabbatical I met my husband, who is the exact opposite of everyone I dated before him. There’s kindness, emotional stability, respect, love, and all the things I dreamed of when I thought about the perfect relationship. I remember my meditation teacher telling me, “Relationships aren’t supposed to be hard. When they’re right, they just flow.” This was very confusing to me back then, especially because you always hear the contrary. Now I know what he meant, and I agree.
The Problem is Not Out There
Pointing your finger at the world and blaming it for your woes is easy. Taking a look at your role in the drama requires a lot of work, and it hurts. It calls for honesty with yourself and you might have to open up some long lost wounds. You’ll cry a lot and experience anger, so just process it and let it go. Although this article was mainly about romantic relationships, it also applies to friendships and interfamily relationships. What worked for me may not work for you, but change begins with awareness, and remember this: pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
How to Start Meditating
Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Michael in their lives, but don’t worry, we have online classes that can introduce you to meditation. The positive effects of meditation can be felt physically, mentally, and emotionally. You’ll start to understand the meaning behind the mantra “I create my reality” and you’ll see the improvements in all your relationships.
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The following classes are perfect for learning how to meditate.